The King's Gardeners Ministries

Reverend S. L. Gardner

Spokane, Washington US

Subject: I was just pondering...

Someone said, "He told me he wasn't happy for years (but he hid it well)".

This is something my husband has been saying. That he doesn't feel he ever truly loved me deeply and that he was unhappy since our second child was born (this was 9 years ago). This hurts. It REALLY REALLY hurts. I'm sure for those of you who have been through this, or are going through it are thinking the same things that I've thought about this. "If he never loved me, he used me." "If he never loved me, he lied to me for years." "If he never loved me, than what good am I?" "If my own best friend fell out of love with me, there must be something wrong with me!" "No one will ever love me."

I was sharing this with a dear friend of mine. She's been through it also, but has a restored marriage. PTL!

When I was discussing my situation with this couple (who have been praying with me for a restored marriage), the husband shared with me these words, and I thought it might encourage some of you. I know it lifted a heavy burden from me because it confirmed a lot of things to me that I felt. My husband left me for a woman 10 years older than him. AND for what I feel are exactly the some of the same reasons mentioned below. Please read on...

He said: When a man has an affair, it isn't about YOU. It's not about the wife, or how he 'hates' his wife, 'or doesn't love her'. It's about the man and his own 'needs', and 'failures'. It's about how "HE' feels about himself.

For him it was because he had some deep pain in his heart from the past. When he feels hurt he wants a 'mother'. A mother to hug, and console him and just listen to his troubles without judging him. He wants to run into Mommy's arms and cry and just have her rub his head, pat his back and hold his hand until he feels better. For him the affair was all about that. He met a woman who listened to him, was interested, and didn't offer advice or judgment. She appeased him and helped him forget his pain. (For the time being!) He mentioned though, that the pain never really goes away...and eventually that woman will want more than to console him...she will want accountability and will expect him to grow. He said that it wasn't because he knew that his wife wouldn't listen. He knew that his wife would listen to him, but because she knew him so well, she would also challenge him to rise above his pain and she would challenge him to forgive, forget and move on to bigger and better things. She would offer support but she would be firm in that she would not let this 'bitterness' ruin their marriage. She would challenge him to take a deeper look into himself and rise above it. He didn't want to look at himself. He just wanted a band-aid. He didn't want to be a man, he wanted to be a boy, and run into his mother's arms.

He told me that when reality kicks in, when the 'romance' and 'euphoria' stage is over, they will either at that time move on to another affair or else they will be forced to look into themselves and fix the problem. When they fix that problem they will come to realization just how much they love their wives and were blinded by one of the enemies' tricks. He shared that no man ever really marries a woman without seriously loving her first. Marriage is a serious thing and something they don't generally do without much forethought. The line, "I never loved you", is an easy way to cope with the guilt of the betrayal. An easy way to cope with him excusing his behaviour so that he doesn't have to deal with whatever is deep down inside of him that caused him to look for affections from another woman's embrace.

Men are taught to bury their feelings and say just the right things. They are told not to cry. They are told to be tough and show no emotion. It's no wonder that so many men struggle with identity. I think it's about time we take a stand against this. We have to stop taking away what God gave to man and let them rise up and be all that God wants them to be.

Bless you all, love, prayers and breakthroughs!

This Ladies name with held by request.

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